James Ford

How to Have a Good Night at The University of Alabama

Having a good night in Alabama depends largely on two criteria: your definition of a good time, and your present “circumstance.” Because everyone probably has at least a slightly different definition as to what a good time is, my own will have to suffice. I have built my definition around what I consider to be the vaguely popular, male idea of what a night should involve. You do not want to be a dissident, so throw the majority of your opinion of a good time out the window unless it matches mine. The definition of a good night in Alabama is any night that yields one or more of the following:

1) more friends, especially those of the opposite sex
2) time with any member of the opposite sex in closer quarters (this applies only if it follows some kind of social gathering earlier in the night)
3) a good, crazy story (to be used for the former at later parties)
4) dancing (just because dancing is fun, a minor exception)
5) any boost to ones overall reputation
without involving:
1) any police activity
2) any fighting (unless you are defending a girl from an aggressor, that’s actually a positive and should be pursued)
3) any harm to ones overall reputation
4) generally, no lasting consequences
As for “circumstance,” you must take into account numerous factors. I have tried to list those I deem most important:
1) involvement in Greek life
2) money
3) availability of behavior altering substances (this generally means alcohol, but for some may include drugs, and is therefore dependent on age, the possession of a fake I.D., and/or “contacts”)
4) transportation
5) general mood and energy level (which is inextricably intertwined with the availability of behavior altering substances)
6) social status (manifested in the from of friends and acquaintances-note that the underlying purpose of any night should be to increase this status, so as to ensure a better time in following nights, this will be discussed in greater depth later)
Now that we have determined the criterion for the “goodness” of a night, we can form a quantitative relationship for the total “goodness” of a night. The total “goodness” of a night, G, equals the positive yields, p, minus negative yields, n, represented by the equation:

G = p(x) – 2n(x) + 8 Note that we multiply negative yields by two because of the severity of their consequences. We also add eight points to the equation so that the lowest possible number is a zero.

Success is measured by the G scale; the highest number on the scale being a thirteen and the lowest being a zero. We must realize that the positive and negative yields are necessarily dependent on the “circumstance” of the subject. Because of the infinite amount of varying circumstances, this relationship is far too hard to be represented by an equation; therefore this paper will be focused on producing the maximum number of positive yields by manipulating one’s circumstance to be in one’s favor.

Forums and Affiliations
There are two main forums in which any night that shall be deemed good will occur. They are fraternity parties and bars. These environments are where the overwhelming majority of social interaction takes place, and the most respected.

If you decide to go Greek then you already have a huge leg up. Parties are thrown for you during pledge-ship almost every night of the week, almost always with another sorority under the exact pretenses that you meet many members of the opposite sex. This is directly beneficial to positive yield number one, and is certainly designed to lead to positive yield number two. These parties are called “swaps.” Having attended only one swap, I am no expert on the subject, but I can tell you that besides from feeling a little forced, these parties are generally very fun. And while the amount of fun had is not a criterion for determining the “goodness” of a night, it can help lead to all five positive yields. Also because of the rigors of pledge-ship you have numerous close friends and many acquaintances. While this all sounds good, one must be wary of the social status associated with the fraternity itself. If the fraternity is reputable, being a brother inevitably boosts your social status which helps your circumstance. If the fraternity is considered no good the opposite is also true. Sober transportation is almost always available which can help lead to positive yield number two as well as deterring negative yields. Also if you are in a fraternity alcohol is almost always provided for you and your date, and when it is not, it is easily obtainable through the numerous contacts acquired in the fraternity. Other behavior altering substances also seem to be more easily obtainable through these contacts. Generally, being Greek helps to increase the number of good nights one has.

If you are not Greek, there are still many opportunities. Unfortunately you will not be able to attend the swaps and pledge parties that are designed to benefit your social status, but you can still attend the open parties held by Greeks on the weekends and all throughout the spring. But it is important to recognize the severe drawbacks on your “circumstance” due to being an independent, or non-Greek. First of all your social status starts out as relatively non existent. Even if you are fortunate to have many friends who are Greek, you must be sure to make friends with their brothers you do not know. There is a great deal of Alabama social etiquette present here that is at first foreign, but easy to learn. In my high school days back in Atlanta, most of the parties I attended included many people from many different schools, so I came to Alabama with my own code of social conduct, which has proven to be a bit skewed here. In Atlanta I could approach any stranger at a party with the utmost confidence that we would get along. That was almost always the case and I had many friends this way. Here it is not so clear. I now try to present myself with an even balance of confidence, friendliness, reservation, and smugness. Apply too much of either on a first impression and it could spell doom for your night. Too much confidence along with too much smugness can easily lead to a fight against not just one brother, but the entire fraternity as they can sometimes be a bit clannish. This directly produces negative yields two and three and can lead to negative yield one. Too much friendliness and you’re a dope, too much reservation and you’re an asshole. You need to find a balance and keep it until you feel a mutual respect, and then you can start be yourself. These rules apply for both males and females.

You may think this is far too much to think about for one good night, but fortunately there exist a major shortcut for most people that comes in the form of alcohol. If you are able to handle yourself when you drink it is a great social lubricant. This is why the possession of a fake I.D. or a reliable older friend can be a great benefit to your circumstance, as well as a good source of income, i.e. parents. It is important to remember though, that while for some people alcohol can be the key to a successful night it can be a major downfall for others, depending on the amount and the person. This is why bars are two fold.

For many independents like me, bars are a good place to go on nights where there is no open fraternity party to go to. Bars inevitably increase your chances to positive yield number two, but do not pursue positive yield number one unless the opportunity presents itself. A fake I.D. is necessary though for bars if you are underage. If you enjoy dancing, I recommend drinking as well. Luckily at most bars these are the only two things to do. One must to remember to be very wary of their behavior at bars though. Too much alcohol easily produces a fight for many people, and while your social status may not suffer too much from this at a bar, police are almost certain to be involved. You will regret your decision to drink so much very quickly. Money is also very necessary for bars so try to make good grades or get a job.1 It is not smart to attend bars alone, and while a two man crew will suffice, three should be considered the common minimum. Generally, bars should be a last resort, as they might produce positive yields, but are much more likely to produce severe negative yields.

Hopefully this paper will help increase both the frequency and magnitude of “goodness” experienced on any given night. You should always shoot for a thirteen on the G scale. And remember it’s not about how much fun you have, only the amount of positive yields you can produce.

1. A job should be pursued only if it does not interfere with ones nightly free time